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| Choose calm over chaos. |
It is likely you have that one or two persons in your life
you care so much about, you show up for them, answer and reply to their
messages as soon as possible, but somehow you begin to notice something. After every
interaction with them you feel emotionally exhausted, they constantly complain,
criticize others or make every issue about themselves. Then again you notice
inside of you that there is this feeling of anxiety whenever their names come
up or appears on your phone. In the same
vein imagine celebrating a personal win, let’s say a small achievement or an opportunity
you have been looking forward to or probably working hard to achieve. In your
excitement you share the news with someone close to you, say a friend or family
member expecting an encouragement or the same energy of excitement but instead,
they downplay the moment, make a non-pleasant comment. It rather a confusing
moment, this is because toxic people do not arrive looking harmful, they are rather
people we know very well but whose words and behaviour slowly turn support into
stress.
“When people repeatedly undermine your boundaries,
self-esteem, or emotional safety, the relationship becomes psychologically
unhealthy.” This quote was adapted from principles in clinical psychology and
relationship studies. This simply means that when someone keeps disregarding
your feelings or making you feel bad about yourself, the relationship becomes
unhealthy. Whereas healthy relationships make you feel safe and respected, toxic
relationships repeatedly make you feel hurt and confused. There are people who
come into your life and bring calm and there are others that bring confusion
and emotional exhaustion. The difficult part of it all is that toxic people do
not always appear to be harmful, they may be charming, funny and even helpful, yet
as time goes on, their presence may begin to drain your energy, undermine your
confidence and disturb your peace of mind. Nevertheless, protecting your peace
is not about running away from people or avoiding them rather it is about
recognizing unhealthy attitudes early and choosing relationships that support
your well-being rather than drain you. So, learning to identify toxic people
quickly can save you emotional pain, mental exhaustion, and unnecessary drama.
Identifying a toxic person
Toxic people most times leave others feeling pain,
frustrated, or mentally exhausted. Every of their conversations revolve around
complaints, gossip, manipulation, or endless fight. Instead of feeling
encouraged or understood, you walk away feeling emotionally drained. This is
not to say that someone should not complain about a bad day or bad experience,
everyone faces one every now and then but toxic behaviour is different, a toxic
person repeatedly makes complain a pattern of behaviour. Healthy behaviour involves
respect, mutual care and being able to listen to the other person with respect
without turning conversation back to them. Them make everything about
themselves, diminish other people’s problems, overshadow or dismiss other
people’s achievement and redirect attention to themselves, this actually is a
red flag worth noticing. Another behaviour of a toxic person is manipulation,
they struggle to take responsibility for their actions instead, they blame
others distorting facts or play the victim. You may find yourself apologizing
for things you did not door things you are convinced you were not at fault you
may even start doubting your memory. Healthy people talk to you honestly and
accept responsibility when they are at fault but toxic people often avoid
responsibility by playing the blame game or creating confusion. When all these
are observed you should not normalise the behaviour. Another way to identify a
toxic person is their disrespect of boundaries. It is worthy of note that
boundaries are not walls but healthy limits to protect mental and personal well
being. A toxic person would always want to invade your privacy, pressure you to
do what you do not want to do, ignore your ‘no’, disrespect you for holding
certain views, etc. On the flip side healthy relationships respect limits and
helps you protect your peace and thrive; it is safe to say that they are not
perfect but the create space for respect and emotional safety.
Protecting your peace is not selfish
Casandra Brown an American author says, “Daring to set
boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk
disappointing others.” Some people may feel guilty when they choose themselves
and set boundaries but the above quote says something important: it is okay to
set limits and it is not selfishness. Protecting your peace can mean stepping away
from people who constantly bring stress, drama or hurt into your life. The
decision might not go down well with some people but the truth is that taking
care of your mental and emotional well-being does not make you a wicked person.
Choosing what is good for you is not selfishness, you truly matter and want
something healthy for you. So, protecting your peace may mean creating
distance, limiting access, or choosing healthier atmosphere.
So, it is safe to say that learning to identify toxic people
fast is not about judging others in a harsh way but about becoming more mindful
of behaviours that silently harm emotional well-being.
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